Reliably Unreliable

What holds between people whose bodies don't keep appointments – by Nicole Cody

Hello, Friends.
Here at the Treehouse, plans change often. We’re used to it, but from the outside our lives probably look quite chaotic.

My husband and I had organised a dinner out with another couple last night, but one of them was feeling unwell. If it had been someone else, they probably would have still gone out, but because it was me they cancelled, not wanting to pass any germs on. They’ve known me long enough to understand my weak immune system, and I’m so grateful for that show of grace and thoughtfulness. Ben and I ended up going on our own. And it was lovely.

Another of my gorgeous friends was coming to visit this weekend, but she’s suffering from anxiety and can’t make the drive up the mountain right now. She cancels on me often, and I cancel on her too. It’s what we do. And we’ve been friends for nearly twenty years. My friend lives with life-long genetic conditions, an organ transplant and she’s survived cancer twice. She’ll be in hospital suddenly, or I’ll be unwell. Shit is always happening. It’s usually unexpected. So, we do this crazy dance of love and acceptance and constant accommodation for each other. My friend will reschedule her trip, and eventually we’ll connect, like we always do.

Today, my cleaner is turning up on time. You might think that’s how it’s supposed to work, but that’s not the kind of relationship we have. She had a bad fall from a horse a few years ago that left her with migraines and debilitating pain that ebbs and flows. She often cancels or reschedules. It’s made running her own business a nightmare. But today’s a good day for her.

Why do I keep using my cleaner’s services when I could use someone who predictably turns up every week on the same day, at the same time?

At times when I’m not having a good day, or when I need extra help, she’s often here staying back late, or coming on a weekend. Because she’s still reliable. She’ll find a way to work around things, and so will I. It balances itself out. We are each other’s safety net.

For me, it’s important to accommodate being reliably unreliable in a world that’s not designed for that. It’s necessary to extend that same grace to people which I hope to find for myself.

I’ve lost so many friends and family because of my illness. I’ve had to craft a business of my own because I am unemployable.

So, wherever I can, I gather those people to me who are reliably unreliable, and I support them, as they support me. It might seem like a messy dance from the outside, but for us, it’s everything.

Many of my friends are from the chronic illness, disability and terminal illness communities, or are their carers and families. Our relationships last because we understand each other.

Today, wherever you are, I wish for you that same grace and friendship.
And if you haven’t found it yet? Come pull up a chair at my table. You’ll always be welcome here. Unless I’m really sick, or in hospital, or caring for a loved one in that same situation. In which case we’ll reschedule.
Much love, Nicole xx